I forget I am Yours

When you've been sick basically your whole life, been thru 3 brain surgeries, 7 openings, one surgery done awake that we all thought was a calling from God- but only got more unwell from that point on, how do you ever begin to see straight again? Have the unbelievable faith you had from just prior 2nd brain surgery on, seeing all His purposes and doors open and shut-how do you regain that trust and faith-true and strong again.? Because I think I can actually say I am lost. Ever since my 3rd awake brain surgery, I've just spiraled down and down until I was flat on my face and just can't see straight anymore. I can reach out and help others, but when things turn to me, conversation is done. Not just because I don't have His answers. I just don't think I allow Him to work on it with me anymore, trusted too much and I took it away from God as if I could handle it better. But nothing is getting truly better. And if anything does, it is still with that glimpse of faith I still have. But it tires you out. Everyone continues on in life normal, and I can't. Either the horrific pain starts back up, or, I do actually carry one true fear I hide in my life. Seizures. I've been seizure free for sometime, yet I've also not functioned much. The more I function and blood flows and brain is active, I have the higher chance. I have enough in pain from the surgery going on than to face seizures acting up again from me stepping out and living life more functional. If I start seizing more again, aside from humidity causing it, I can't go down the list of meds and procedures open for me. Because in reality, there really isn't anything left I haven't had before. Or procedures willing to do with my type of seizures. So, still, the less functional I am, the more well I am, for me, for everybody is how I've looked at it. Yet, I've felt so lost, so incorrect with this personal way to "better" my seizures. I've already lost so much time with my child fighting these seizures-going thru brain surgery 1 with mommy when she was 1, brain surgery 2 when she was 3, and brain surgery 3 when she was 8. Then the extreme body pain downfall after that 3rd brain surgery, that still goes on. I hide out. I don't want to function because it puts me in pain-extreme pain, and could start my seizures again-I don't know. I've never been active a very lengthy part of life after that to know what it would be like.
I'm just praying that when I pray, I am truly praying to Jesus. Cause my heart can sure get so hard, so selfish-but not many, well no one in my family understands. They see it from their view, it has to be hard. But at the same time everything moves on, and it hurts. And I want to be part of that again. I never feared one brain surgery. I knew Jesus had a purpose. But now I am not so sure. Maybe I didn't listen to Him. Maybe I missed His sign. I just want the faith I had before. Healthy or not. I want Jesus as my focus. I don't know. A lot went on in this move to AZ. Kind of a wake up of how everyone has moved on, done everything thru these atrocious sick years-that I am just crabby, hurt, lost and scared to try to be anything like the Heather I was before the 3rd brain surgery catastrophe. It could have been way worse. It was just severe body pain. A little loss of peripheral vision- but cognitive skills etc are in tact. And was even blessed with an artistic ability I never had. I know He has a purpose, but my heart has to be there too. Constantly. Not conveniently.

My venting. Brain surgery issues. My issues.

Giving them to You Jesus. I need Your help. How quickly I forget I am Yours Jesus. 

In His love,

Heather/Hetty Siebens


Thirty nine years and counting

That little dude above is one of my closest friends ever. We literally talk about everything - good, bad, tough, dreams, mistakes, family, life, God,..etc.  That tiny little dude has made such an impact on my life, my daughter, even in ways my husband. The guy above is very special to me, and no matter what struggles we have endured, I am always opened armed to him. Always start over again. Always love him so dearly. That special dude up there is my big brother, Troy.

That dude was always so special to me, he just didn't realize it for some time. Even with my naming my daughter after him (him being Troy, my daughter Tory) he didn't catch on. It has taken such rough times, for us both, for him to see my never ending love. And my love is totally for him, my big bro... Not who he is in work life, not who he is financially, not who he is popularity, not who he is in struggles or none. He is my blood. I looked up to him growing up, chased after him as a young adult, caught him over the past several years.

These weeks with him back home with us have been a pivotal change. No one is cranky, confused, depressed. All getting along like God really planned this. He helps me in areas I am unable to do, like tutoring my kiddo. His IQ blows me out, and he hung onto so much. Just not my territory. But it is a God thing. Bringing him closer to my daughter in a way I cannot. Gods plans marvel me. We have all been out of our rooms and chatting every night. It is just like God touched him and helped change him, letting him know how special he is to us. I am so gracious.

He and I are hilarious, we can stay up endless hours, talking about every subject forever. I am so gracious to God for us, my family. Changes my look on life.

We have such an interesting connection, like we were identical twins. Kinda scary at times, more hilarious. He doesn't realize what an impact he is on me, my daughter, my family. We are gracious to have him as part of ours, cause he and I are blood, forever best friend siblings. My life would not be complete without him.

I love you Troy.... Always look forward to another day, or late chat night. I am the blessed one. 

Ironically, my daughter, whom I named after my brother ...was also born in the exact name town, different states. This all was a God thing!!!! We love you Troy.

Above is the car you cherished...yet I would try to get in it as a baby, or lay on the hood. Those pics you didn't look like my best friend. But I think you really were just watching out for my safety, right....

Your Sis,



Outta Here

Arizona here I come!!!

So much good in AZ in my life. So much that there is too much to type. The memories keep drawing you back, along with family and friends.... my doctors who resected my brain 3 times is a big one. My church I found, I was clueless about Christ, running from the devil as fast as I could in such a tough time. Found Jesus there..daughter did. Married my husband of today there. Streets and places that bring back endless memories. It's all in Phoenix. My baby and me, trying to raise her on my own after beaten by my ex recovery started here. History. Love. Victory. Is here.

A few heart felt memories. But the actual state itself is good on my body. Its dry heat doesn't kill my body as all forms of humidity do. Its lack of much barometric pressure is a plus on all my pain. No allergies for me from there. Only during monsoon does it even make my surgical site feel like blowing open. Other states have certain pressures that constantly do. All my doctors are here. Too much goes on to continually fly from afar in states that cause affliction. 

I don't know if this really would have been a road I would have been down had I not had that 3rd awake brain surgery. But I don't regret it and want to turn time. Too much good came with the bad. Yes, the states I had to live in were tough. But it was a try, and it was fun to be somewhere so different to see what it is like. Philly was beautiful with four seasons, snow for Christmas. Never ending rolling trees. The place itself hated my body, the intense pain I went thru for 2 years. Was tough. But memories I do have to laugh at, love. And Minnesota wasn't even my decision. It was just my husband picking me up from seeing a few good friends-looking on line at some amazing house he wanted to see. They gave us 2 days to make a decision. I went along. He was from that state. We have already been in AZ after PA for almost 2 years, making my body better-I would give MN a chance. It had major ups and downs with the severe cold. At times I thought it was severely tragic. But then I'd be out of bed ok. Pressure there didn't last. Cold was severe but could deal with it most of the time, inside. But then my husband got all crazy, wanted to get me somewhere "warmer" for my health and wanted to try out Florida. Crazy part, I'm a Cali girl, so my whole life I even refused to land plane there, let alone go there. They used to be rival states growing up in the summer. I let it go, visited, my daughter fell in love with it. I was sucked in due to my love for them. I went along.

On the trip there- I went to pick up my brother in NYC, my family headed to FL. When my brother and I got into the area- no joke a pain I never had began. my occipital nerves-my head, eyes, face, ears....name it. Like the Billy Joel song Pressure. That was what it was like. Everything under Pressure x 1000. Wouldn't get better. Oddly the name of our street is Neck. I have truly been bed bound close to a year cause of what all it causes. My vertigo goes so wild here, I can't walk straight. My seizures needed more medication for control due to the humidity. It was endless, yet I could go on. I was done pretty much my first week. But kept hanging on. But I am  again a 39 yr old here. I need some hope. So my husband agreed upon back to AZ.

So my brother and I are going out early to dry my bones, get me to my doctors, seek new medical help for seizures/pain. Move forth with will power this will change and get better. But for over 6 years- really goes back to when it all began when I was 23- 16 years ago. I want a useful break.

We are all outa here in FL soon to AZ to seek what God has in store. His plans. For that, I am at peace. 

In His Love,

Hetty Siebens
My Fam!!!!


Love Never Ending

God's Angel

One precious baby born in the autumn
Filled with dreams to sit, crawl, walk then run!
Never did we think before you came to be
You'd be hit with cancer and soon set free!

Set free to our Lord up there to finally be healed
Entering Heaven is the one place no one wants to yield
He relishes our dancing, singing, praise and love
Only now you do it in greatest praise, healed up above.

You dear Nicky changed endless count of lives for all the good
Torment you went thru gracefully which you, nor no one should
You remained so happy, funny and strong in every step you'd take
Your mind so brilliant, heart so pure-I know your mama's heart still aches

I hope Heaven is way more amazing than earthly understanding
Miniature cars, an ocean, precious animals-with no time ticking
I am so thrilled you are free of such suffering and pain
In Heavens realms you are healed, no cancer ball and chain

I know you see your mama and family each and everyday
As a true angel it's hard cause you have so much to say
I know your mama see's your signs and feels you near
Every memory she has of you is alive in her and so clear

Send her signs how great she was, is and still is going to be
You're love still flows thru her blood and she wishes to see-
Your face one more time to kiss and say how much she deeply loves you
To make sure you remember you're more special to her than any jewel

Keep sending her your kisses from our Heaven up above
Kisses and hugs she so misses from her boy filled with love
Never doubt your mother's love, it is deep and never-ending
I know you feel it now and just can't wait for the two hearts mending

Love you sweet Angel NickyBear and amazing mom Angelia. In my prayers always.


Family is so Beautiful

Family is so Beautiful
Poem by Heather/Hetty Siebens
December 2, 2015

Again here comes this Christmas Day
If only it snowed and we could go play
But in Florida that is just not how it goes
Instead we play in the sand with our toes

So this Christmas is a little different dear
But with you around there is nothing but cheer
We will trim the tree in my crazy fashion
I hope this year no one cranky is lashing!

You and Tory bring out all my good
I never thought that one person could
I felt locked up in that crazy monkey cage
And one day I'd bust out in such a violent rage

But the gift of you two was never a trick or a hoax
I'd love to explain the beauty of you two to some folks
Not all will understand the beauty we live
Not all will understand how much we love to give

Let's go to our bulging beach and watch the sun set
Knowing Christ is coming, but He isn't quite here yet
Hold each others hands and pray my health lightens up
He is in control, my Lord, as He handed me His cup

We've been blessed for so many years
I'm so sorry I shed so many tears
Cause together we are one amazing team
At least to me that is how it all does seem

You are a gift straight from Christ Above Us
Not really do I have much room to fuss
You are so perfect Christian, so Devine
Most amazing part is I can claim you as mine!

Thank you for putting up with me
There are not many people that still would be
You have a heart that is bigger than this earth
The only other one like that is to whom I gave birth

My family is so beautiful, my family is a gift
Everyone so positive they will do nothing but lift
Lift your mind, soul, and body from all heartaches
And show their love is real, so far from being fake

I thank you Jesus everyday for these precious souls
Without You and my family, Jesus, I'd never watch Tory grow
When the sun comes up we thank You for another day
When the sun goes down we praise You, we made it thru ok!

I love you all with all my heart and need you by my side
Not one part of me doesn't thank you for joining on my ride
Together we all will make it thru this little thing called living
We all have such loving hearts that are thrilled to be giving


December Birthday Month Dear Jesus

December 15, 1976 - little birth of little ol me! Petoskey, MI

December Month Dear Jesus....
By Hetty/Heather Siebens

How bout you- 
let me able to use my back and walk
How bout you-
give me strength to be willing to talk
How bout you-
get my meds right and calm my body down
How bout you-
give me desire and strength to shop our little town
How bout you-
make all appointments made before my birthday
How bout you-
have me well to decorate, not just be in the way
How bout you-
keep my faith brightly shining thru all chaotic times
How bout you-
make sure I don't freak in pain waiting in the lines
How bout you-
my birthday month, bless me with my prayers
How bout you-
my birthday month, you're way more Christ's to be fair
How bout you- 
understand , my birthday month, you brought us so much joy
How bout you-
December, this month is for Jesus not just all these toys
How bout you-
dear birthday month, remind me each and every day
How bout you-
sweet December birthday month, remind me to pray
How bout you-
awesome December, realize what you've done for us
How bout you-
lively December just know I will try not to fus
How bout you-
darling December realize who used you to come and save our lives
How bout you-
precious December realize our Lord doesn't cut our promised ties
How bout you- 
December realize you've brought me so much glee
How bout you- 
December, I just know you and I were meant to be! 

I love you sweet Jesus, thank You for December, YOUR birth, and thank You for mine in that month too!!!! December, a wonderful month!! Amen!

Hetty/Heather Siebens @AliveinMe  


Thank You Lord

I took my night time bath to relax
Normal handful of meds to their max
But right away my brain felt a zap
My numb ears ringing; I needed a nap

I stared out yonder unsure what to say
Been a long time I've been attacked this way
My brain so confused; where I was, what to do
I had just taken my medication could it come from those few?

My heart beat skipped a couple beats it should have had
Man I thought "could my medication be this bad?"
My whole body tensed up I had no control of it
All I could do there for moments is silently sit.

Coming down from the heightened point of all this
My body killed, brain confused what did I miss? 
I text my precious hubby but got nothing in reply 
So I messaged my baby girl that got the news to fly

These are the moments you are twice as grateful for love
What would I do alone except pray to God up above
I probably would not be here right now with all they've pulled me thru
This is how my love for them, their love for me just grew

I hate the storms I have to face
But have the perfect family to embrace
Thru the tough times I have we will always make it thru
Without these precious souls I wouldn't know what to do

Thank You Lord for my angels in my home
Thank You Lord for my kiddo answering her phone
Thank You Lord for all the Love You keep inside us all
Thank You Lord, our Everything, even when we fall!


Heather/Hetty Siebens
November 29, 2015



I'm thankful for your hand, thankful your touch
Thankful for my baby girl oh so very much
We as a dear family, as a whole make one
One beautiful family with which the Lord is never done

My brown eyed baby girl came into my life 14 years back
With all that we both went thru you would think I'd lose track
But her smile is so delightful her beauty such a glow
A personality in our home to keep us all a flow !!

Her best friend is like my other child
They both still think I'm young and wild
She's full of life and chipperness and brings us so much grace
She is one I love in our life; both girls' love so easy to embrace

When God placed my hot stud in my life thru very trying times
Somehow he got us thru, hung onto us and made us all shine 
He keeps us together, and our family a whole
Not one thing I'd change about his beautiful soul

I also have my big bro who makes me laugh to no end
We've had our fights and quarrels, all were easy to mend
He cares for me deeply sometimes worries about me so
But I try to remind him his love and laughter keep me ago!

So for all these little people that live within my home~
I love to go to the beach with them or text them on our phones
But I really don't want to share them too much, God gave them to me
I'll share them here and there with friends or one day spouses to be

Except dear hubby you know you are stuck right here
With me my love; I just pray you are always very near!
You bring the best of me out on toughest days of all
Makes me want to spoil you so, buy you gifts at the mall!

You all make my darkest days much brighter than all could
If I could give you millions for love, you all know that I would!
But for now you just have little ol' me who is blessed by each of you
My life has been so blessed; I would be so lost-you all get me thru!


Good Wishes To You

Why did it all have to start out with YOU?
All the chaos and trauma you put me thru.
You'd think I'd be long gone from suicide
But I had too much love and beauty to not let hide.

You thought that yelling and screaming would give me a clue
Of truly deep down in the future you were gonna do
I was always so strong before I got so sick
So sick in different cities you were with another chick

That wasn't the problem, that wasn't the issue
God knows boys make mistakes that was more than a few
But after my first brain resection I was in awful pain
I had to pick up my baby girl and move to Texas where all it did was rain

It came upon my fourth day there we found a place to live
That first night I was so emotional and you had no love to give
No instead you were filled with hate and could only scream at me
You didn't want to know what was wrong you just wanted me to flee

Your cold heart lost so much that night
So much beauty and love now out of your sight
You pinned me down and beat me hard
Until I let loose and ran out to our yard

I am so gracious you and I WERE one
It led to me and Tory having so much fun
A marriage that is strong
That will last past so long
For these I am gracious we WERE one

Searching for anyone to help or believe
That the pain you caused had to be alieved 
Your mind flipped out of control that night
So crazy would you ever have my baby within sight

But with that Coburn you didn't care
This truth to alter is a dare
Kicked out of our apartment you were
Could only visit us if you brought along a Sir

But that was too belittling for you
You knew exactly what to do 
But put classes and ranking before fixing a thing
That is where my daughter lost you and I got a new ring

Your brain works on one thing at a time
No matter how dirty or full of grime
Our relationship was from the very get go 
I was the strong one to really let you go

You'd call and beg to have me back as your bride
But listen the first time felt like I already died
So instead you bargained for retirement and money
I'm keeping my baby, you can have all funds honey

I am so gracious you and I WERE one
It led to me and Tory having so much fun
A marriage that is strong
That will last past so long
For these I am gracious we WERE one

Money gets you no where in life
If anything it causes a lot of strife
Happiness is in the living soul
That is where I'm very rich, totally full

Continue on your pretending to be happy life
I just know such a last choosing for a wife
You let her in and rule you over 
You might as well sit and hover

The Bible we read isn't just a book
It is Words of Life to get you a hook
Hook onto Christ, His mercy and love
And able to talk to Him from Above

I hope you have learned how to treat a girl
Otherwise your whole life is just a great twirl
Of disasters and cruelty, selfishness and glee
I won't even mention what you'd watch on TV

Good wishes to you, but thank you too
For being so weak you just blew
Blew off fathering your firstborn child
God kept her with me so meek and mild

I am so gracious you and I WERE one
It led to me and Tory having so much fun
A marriage that is strong
That will last past so long
For these I am gracious we WERE one...but done!


Beginning to End

The pain I endure never was desired
If I knew who gave it to me they would be fired
Each day is so troubling and tough to live out
The pain gets so atrocious and fills me with doubt

When in such pain and feeling so sad
You feel everything you do will make someone mad
The pills are not touching it nor is the heat
It truly feels like I've been dragged out and beat

How long really should one hang on for?
If you can barely function and extremely sore.
Life looks so dark, with no good ahead
Should I stay bitter and wrapped up in bed?

I am not anyone special that is for sure 
Just a young lady with health issues to endure
Daily I do it though because I have no other choice
All my prayers unanswered I must have an unheard voice

My family is so beautiful, happy, full of joy
I wish that was me; instead I am just a toy
A puppet God uses on good days and bad
How can one like me be help when always so sad

How long really should one hang on for?
If you can barely function and extremely sore.
Life looks so dark, with no good ahead
Should I stay bitter and wrapped up in bed?

So I am on pause, stepped out of game for some time to be
I am truly searching for a healthier, happier little me
Cause I can't help others when unwell and can't tell
Who I am or where I will be when it feels like only hell

But I love my family so very much
But right now I just feel a bit outta touch
Maybe in time someone will fix me
And once again my family could see 

I love you all from beginning to end 
I just pray to God He decides to mend
This pain gets in the way of all of our fun
One day we'll all be on that beach under His sun


I Can Feel

I can feel it the pain that won't go away
I can feel it the illness that wishes to stay 
I can feel it the misery it brings to my life
I can feel it wanting to exit on so much strife

I can feel it through all of my excruciating pains
I can feel it hurts so bad like I'm wrapped in chains
I can feel it in the morning but worse at night
I can feel it has brutal anger with my body it fights

I can feel it laying in my peaceful bed
I can feel it is going to my head
I can feel it throbbing walking around
I can feel it make me silent and not make a sound

I can feel it rule me showing me whose in charge
I can feel it pound so bad you'd think all would be large
I can feel it burn and combust right thru my skin
I can feel my heart harden letting no one in

I can feel this altering my whole entire life
I can feel warped as a bad mom, friend, wife
I can feel there are no answers so why should I even try?
I can feel that my heart hurts so much and doesn't want to cry

I can feel I've interrupted lives with sorrow and complaints 
I can feel I have been so pointless unable to do new paints
I can feel I shouldn't be here and you all should live life
I can feel you'd do better without me as I cause so much strife

I can feel this poem coming to a close
I can feel I really just need to doze.....
I can feel I just wish it was forever for you
I can feel then you two without me would be able to do

I can feel glad you could do so much without my presence here
I can feel none of this would happen without us both dear
I can feel though my engine has broken down
I can feel I need far far away from this town

I can feel I love you always
I can feel He has plans for your days
I can feel I was a benefit to bring such an angelic one
I can say my duty is complete and all my deeds here are done

I can feel you are a perfect dad
I can feel that doesn't make me mad
I can feel she delights everytime you are together 
I can feel you better do this for me forever 

I love you Christian 


The Prize of Life

I want to be free of all that holds me down
Cause right now all I feel is I'm gonna drown
One brain surgery to a second then to a third
The excruciating pain all caused not all heard

Heard how it changed my life put much on hold
Every day I'd wake in pain just praying I could fold
The number of doctors seen you'd hope for just one clue
But from state to state not one doctor knew what to do

That third brain surgery was very much my choice
I was grateful that my Mayo doctors heard my little voice
But hardheaded me goes in fearless and strong
I should have understood more to not do so much wrong

I am tough Heather wanting every negative part out
Had they done this brain surgery asleep I sure would have pout
I wanted to feel the wrong areas and guide them to cut out
No matter the tough guidance I gave would little me shout

I wanted every misfiring part to be out of my life
Never did I know toughing it out would cause such strife
I wish I could say the pain all ended there
But wow since then I've had so much to bare

I feel like a vegetable, one no one likes
As my EEG's keep showing such beautiful spikes
The body pain I thought was atrocious back in 2010
Doesn't compare to the pain this town has given

We live on the bulging beach that has so many shells
But what good is that to me when daily I feel in hell
I would love to see that firing sun rise
Before it all hits hard and I don't get that prize

The prize of life
The Prize of Love
Prize to conquer strife
Prize all from up Above

I pray this torment ends one day
Maybe I can help others not to fray
But as this keeps churning I feel hopeless
So I pray that it heals and this is not endless

You all mean so much to me
You all bring me so much glee
I am one quiet source I say
I sure hope to change that one day

Bless you all for your love and care
Without it not a part of me would ever dare
Dare to seek wellness to thank all of you
To be well and grateful for all that you do!

Blessings to all....

Heather/Hetty Siebens November 2015


Life is So Trying

The pain is atrocious
Wondering why you
It makes you ferocious 
Not knowing what to do

You listen to everyone 
So positive with no clue
Your pain makes you so done
No diagnosis is true

You hang onto tough life
Like a monkey on a tree
Years lived of endless strife
But not one soul can see

All you endure barely hanging onto your breath
All Family continue whether I'm here or diminished 
Does not one get my choice between life or death
Should this warped monkey continue when all seems finished

The sun comes up and the sun goes down
Such beauty out there that I cannot enjoy
Street lights and fun times I don't see down town
It feels like all against me, I am just a ploy

One illness leads to next one and 
Pain never ceases thinking it can stay
I wish I could rid it all with a majestic hand
Instead all trials worsen on this sunny day

I am one silent soul unsure what to say
The trials I've endured have continued for years
I feel like doctors are clueless and I'm just their clay
So I continue in distress, hopeless with endless tears

Life is so trying
Confusing what to do
Leaves one just crying
I bet many of you feel this too

I lift you all up
As I remain deep down
Take our Masters cup
I will remain with a bitter frown

Endless painful Heather/Hetty

Love to you all.


Never Falter

When we came upon one another
Not knowing each other's dreams
We thought we'd be closer than a brother
But much closer we grew it seems

We'd travel places giggling in love
Never knowing tough times to come
We hung on so tight, trusting Him Above
Searching for signs knowing He'd send some

Never was a tough moment
Not worth the risk
The risk of you, the risk of me
The risk of us so meant to be
We hung on tight and displayed love
A love that couldn't fade
Today where we are is incredible, so pure
Not one piece of this would I trade

Your eyes focus so deep
But your heart wins the prize
Our love is rich, so far from cheap
As we hold one another in one size

We will never falter, we will never fail
You and I brought together as one
Let's dream, let's dance, let's go for a sail
As for you and I, in love, are never done

Never was a tough moment
Not worth the risk
The risk of you, the risk of me
The risk of us so meant to be
We hung on tight and displayed love
A love that couldn't fade
Today where we are is incredible, so pure
Not one piece of this would I trade

Be my man forevermore
I will be your wife
I love when you walk thru our front door
That my love, my man, completes my life.

I love you Christian Siebens

Hope this means something....

Nov 11, 2015 


Amen Journey

These lines are so beautiful, yet so real, so tough. But yet I know in the tiniest, minuscule way, what it is like to be beaten. And it was twice as hard for me then, as for I didn't know Jesus yet. Heard a little about Him, but from the crazy soul that also took his hands to me. So who do I trust? Who do I look to and believe in. Well, sadly, the whole situation didn't have me running to find Jesus then, it took a year of countless, and unliveable overdoses to get me to call to Him. 

My ex and I had no commons. No love. No connection. Sadly, we just had decline from the moment we eloped. All negativity from what was the first song we listened to together after we said I do with strangers, to the night he beat me. First night in our new apartment since my move to Killeen, TX, where he was stationed. My fourth day in TX. He had a lot of built up anger, guilt and stress. Anger I had him in such a predicament in life from where my epilepsy took me when we got pregnant. Anger he had to stay with me due to being pregnant ...even though I told him otherwise. Guilt for continuing to cheat on me while I was in Phoenix, first awaiting for my 1st brain surgery, and just after it. His stress I'll credit him for being listed and unable to talk to me about going to Iraq in the beginning of 2003. But this is life. We both had a deck of troubled cards, but to place lives of loved ones on the line for ones own happiness?? What world did he come from??? We HAD a one year old together, I am just not sure how one could let their anger bust like that. But, I do know for a fact, it runs in his genes... His dad was one anger induced soul. I am sadly, very happy he is no longer a part of my child's life. Signed her over completely to me in 2009. Sad to show who was wrong. Who felt guilt. Who couldn't put up a fight for rights, when one didn't have them, and really didn't want them from the heart. Only greed and anger.

He took his fist to me night of October 6, 2002. And I didn't know what to do. We were phone- less. I knew no one. The neighbor believed in backing up soldier to soldier. I didn't sleep a wink. But thankful my daughter didn't hear one peep of all that ruckus ... And somehow slept so soundly thru it all, like Jesus was cradling her in His arms- guiding her to walk on water thru the storm. She arose, as happily as usual. And her mama did her best to not show any fear. But Lord did I ever brake.

I had to take him to the base that morning, as for it was my car we had- and he wasn't going to be using it. And he also wasn't going to be coming back that evening. I had no idea what to do, who to talk to, as for I didn't know a soul. First person I called was my neurologist. I had to make sure he'd get me clearance papers noting that even though I had just gone thru my 1st brain surgery, I was still a perfect case to handle being a mom. He has always been one amazing Doctor, who saw that thru, made sure I was ok- and saw me thru the disastrous year to come from it. He supported me like I was his one daughter. He saw my struggle with my one daughter and couldn't have imagined that. He despised my ex. My other phone calls were to a friend I was connected to thru my work from the Marriott for years, he was like my uncle. He listened to all my marital issues, and helped me see clear thru it all. He had this "perfect" life, knew this Jesus guy, and was happy. He was also the one that connected me with my husband of today. How rare is this? So I briefly spoke with who was my friend then, but my husband today, told him what disaster I came upon. Last one I spoke to, my mother. As for she doesn't deal with reality well. She wouldn't listen to my truth, and was in denial anything really happened. That is sadly my family. Tory is the one at that point who kept me as sound-minded as I would possibly come. As for I was on a sick cycle carousel ride, and it seemed I just couldn't get off. Not even for the life of me.

So after the filing of all that occurred, the pictures being taken both on base and at the police department.... They took his keys away, and he was no longer aloud in or on our apartment grounds unless appointment made and with an officer of higher ranking. He only did that once, and not to see my daughter. But to beg and plea I don't charge him with anything. So my mind was running fast pace, I was so confused, hurt, in anguish. My first answer that came to mind- phenobarbital overdosing. 

I was placed on so much of it when pregnant with Tory, it was the first thing that snapped into mind when I felt I was losing my mind from it all. I needed to numb my pain. Shut off lights per se. And whatever the consequences, so be it. I had no faith then, no Heaven nor hell knowledge. Just thought there was an exit door. And a lot of phenobarbital would get me there.

Well, normally at my dose intake, it would take lives. But I guess He did, and does have more plans for me, as for I am still here, breathing, heartbeat, and three brain surgeries and so much else later, able to retell my story. As the parent of Tory, able to tell you how God worked so many wonders for her and thru her, I have no room to begin to tell you. She is like an angel, living here on earth. Placed in my life to keep little me safe, well, and searching until I find my Lord. And did she ever get me there.

We went thru so much together, she really has no idea at this point in her life. Just a little I've told her here and there. But I became her sole parent, which felt like a direct gift from God. It wasn't something I was fighting for. It was something He just gave me overnight. Thru all my struggles I had really no clue until then how close Jesus and I really were and are. 

Fast forward, my overdosing began in October of 2002, and didn't end until October of 2003. That year was rough. I was raising my daughter completely on my own, not partially. I was living day to day half awake, or completely blasted from overdosing Phenobarbital. I was dating my husband of today, which was a lot more than I ever thought looking back, that I could handle going thru, putting myself thru everything I did. But I am so gracious to God I did. He is my everything. My air, my rest, my life. Without him, I probably would not be typing right now. As he snores, with his hand on my typing arm. 💟 God gave me all these precious jewels, even before I knew Him, as for He knew what was lying ahead- and knew my family couldn't handle it, wouldn't be there. He gave me these tough Angels that could deal with rough souls like me. How one can look back in life at the lowest part of their life, toughest, yet have such amazing vivid memories their cherish? Not usual you hear of someone saying their overdosing year was full of amazing memories..... Sounds nuts, but is so true.

I knew come 3rd hospitalization, really, since the 1st, I would never see my ex again except at court hearings. But it was that October that rolled around and I snapped. He had called me from Iraq, which led to an argument as to why did he ever do what he did? Beat me a year prior that had me in such a predicament in life. Well, out of no where he was in denial now. He was denying he had done that after e-mails and phone calls of sorry's. Well, that call on October 18th , 2003... Hit me hard. Like a stone at a glass house- I shattered. And my answer, was the months worth of Phenobarbital I had not been taking, as for I hated it. But I also didn't rid of it, I psychologically stored it up for a big thundercloud day. And he was my thundercloud. 

The brisk morning of October 19... I popped half my bottle, which was around 4500 Meg's of death calling me. I called a friend, we went to the gym together and then took our kids to the mall. Had I not taken a friend with me, I wouldn't be here still. After we worked out, ending roughly around 11 am, I began to feel the fall of my pills, and I just wanted more. More cloudiness. More thought my mind might completely exit even. I never once put my child's life into range of thought. I just really figured all would be okay, really the same without me. That is what being beaten does to you, brain surgery, phenobarbital. Just up the dose almost 10 x's. 

We were at the mall after I sucked down the other 4500 mg's of Phenobarbital. My mind was blown. I was not on earth anymore. I bought items for Tory, twice. No idea. My friend knew I was "out to lunch" and didn't know what to do. So out of no where, except the grace of Jesus- I picked up my cell phone and called the number to my neurologist that he called searching for me on one night in July, gravely concerned of my well being. I called that number, his wife answered. I felt so bad. I didn't even know the definition of full sentence. She quickly gave the phone to her husband, my doctor. And he advised me to quickly get up,to their Emergency Room.

I told my friend. But told him I had to go home and get ready first. I really had no idea if I even strapped my baby girl into my car or not- but sped out and swerved going 80 in a 40 street. Almost running a red. It was like life flashing before my eyes. Little do I remember from when I got to my apartment to when I found myself on a gurney at my Mayo Hospital. What I do remember is seeing HIM, hearing HIM, and calling out to HIM right before they went to pump my stomach- life got so dark.... Then a light glowed. It was like Him saying, " this is your second chance" when in reality it was my billionth chance. I had been seeking Him at this amazing church in Chandler, AZ.... went there because the sign had a purple tone to it. But it wasn't the color talking to me, it was Jesus. And His plans were so Devine , so beautiful...plans to prosper- for good and hope. Not disaster. Jeremiah 29:11  The 29th is the date I got out. 

I went thru every step of destruction. Code blue, heart stopping, stomach pumping, CPR. Coma. But it was like Jesus was truly physically with me, but no one could see Him but me. He was my life support. And when I arose, it was like there was not a huge overdosage of Phenobarbital running thru my blood, but His love, His blood, His truth running thru them instead. My head was instantly so clear. It was like I was a totally different soul. When in reality, I was. As for just before my heart stopping is when I called out to Christ.... I asked for a billionth chance to do it all again, except WITH HIM this time. And I'll figure it all out thru Him, with Him, for Him. He hears these cries. Some more obvious than others. But baby Christians are coddled for sure. But if He hadn't, I wouldn't be here. He if filled with so much love and grace for me to screw up in every way possible ... But to fight for me? Why? He loves me ... You, us... Unconditionally...and that is a fact I have lived thru a million times.
He gave me a heart. I thank Him for that. I love people. I hate struggles. I reach to help. You aren't alone. If I wasn't, you aren't. His plans are beautiful. He gave me the glory and honor of marrying this amazing person he set in my life in such an interesting fashion- the date my ex beat me, five years prior. We we'd on October 6, 2007. Took that day and showed how are Lord beautified it. We conquered Satans actions by having the most amazing marriage after complete destruction....and a child of our own, she has always seen as Daddy since she was barely 2. She sees no differently. He orchestrated it beautifully. How really could I ask for more? You'll see me complain about my health. But I try to see these days, this particular month more often. That way I know when to shut up, and just glorify Him. His peace has been done, and I am ok with all brain and pain issues. He gave me this family. I am so gracious. Cause I am one who didn't deserve it. 

So much I can't explain in a blog, so much I wish I could share. But that is as compact as I can get it. I am gracious He gave me all of you. 

To God be the Glory, Honor, and Praise to our Lord!!

In His Grip,

Heather/ Hetty Siebens

Grateful To God For You from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to,give you future and a hope.

Psalm 91: 14-16. The LORD says p, "I will rescue those who love Me. I will protect those who trust in My name. When they call on me, I will answer. I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honor them. I will satisfy them with a long life and give them My salvation." 

Psalm 106: 1-3. Give thanks to the LORD for He is good! His faithful love endures forever. Who can list the glorious miracles of the LORD? Who can ever praise Him HALF enough?
Happy are those who deal justly with others and always do what is right.

Romans 15: 13. So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep up you happy and full of peace as you believe in Him. May you overflow with hope thru the power of the Holy Spirit.

Philippians 1:29  for you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for Him.


My Man


The Man my husband is
Never comes very easy
Even when life's a friz
He stands ground to be cheesy

His love never fails, vanishes, or is put on the line
His love is so pure and true 
He is one in all circumstances to make all feel just fine
Christian always gets us thru

He is my stars, my moon, my sun
He is everything intended from above
I have never lost in life, only won!
Cause this man, my husband is full of LOVE!

We may have hard times wondering if I'll make it
My man has no doubt of His Divine plans 
So yes I struggle thru my health trying not to throw a fit
Cause you see, my husband Christian is my #1 fan!

So I never want to let my man down
If our big bulging sun should rise 
Or it is ghastly pouring rain all over town
We always live in love, not lies

Christian we live in a crazy world you and me
But there isn't a moment I'd ever erase
You are a man filled with our love, hope, and reality 
You my love I'll never lose but continue to chase!

Let's say good bye to Philly we won't be back 'round
Nor is Phoenix going to be our next town
Minnesota was so fun and I'll miss it forever
But let's keep trying Florida in hopes of moving never

As for you are my sunshine anywhere we go
You are my backbone in ragged times
There isn't one other soul I'd ever love like you- so
Let's sit on our back porch and listen to our chimes

You are my love, fresh air, reason I breathe 
Never think twice about the love I have in thee
You are my wants, needs, desires- my Everything!
Let's show the world that true love is more than Something!!!

I love you Christian Siebens,
Your less brain wife,
Early in the morning,
Heather (Hetty) Siebens
Your Satellite Princess

In response to:

My girl..

My girl is the one
She is full of fun
But when she feels bad
The world seems so sad
She is talented art
Because she has such a big heart
Soon my eyes will catch your glance
And we will begin our dance
I love you beyond compare
Even when you have all different color hair..

Your Man- Satellite King

1 Corinthians 13:13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is LOVE! 

Colossians 1:16-17. Christ made everything in the heavens and on the earth. He made everything that is seen and things that are not seen. He made all the powers of heaven. Everything was made by Him and for Him. Christ was before all things. All things are held together by Him.

Are We??? from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.


Question Everything?

When does life feel just?
When can you establish trust?
As for all the ups and downs in life-
Seems like we are all living in strife.

When that big yellow sun comes crashing down--
And all of those monkeys go rattling downtown.
Who out of all them seem to be telling twisted lies?
Who just continues doing so even causing brains to fry!?

This world we live in seems so jaded.
When everyone's goal is who to be hated!
When things come crashing down where do we turn?
When we lose loved ones, companies, who won't turn and burn?

Where is the trust of yesterday, the love of our family?
Why do we question everything that isn't full of glee?
It's like we truly live in this fake plastic nation.
That can only talk to us at 6pm if on the right station.?

Well that isn't how my life was prepped to live I say!
My family will make it thru any windy or rainy day!
I may be complex with a lot of complications!
But no illness can be worse than watching any TV station.

They fill us full of hatred and greed!
When all it takes is One True God to lead!
Lead us down our winding road wondering if we're lost..?
But taking the lead and trusting Him, not judging what it'd cost!!?

With Christ as my center it doesn't make life easy, it makes life hard!
We are to stand up for Him, for each other and remain on guard!
For each other's lives, each other's homes, down every winding road-
Just know I'd always stand up for you thru Him, til the very day I grow old.!!


Angelia~ Don't Fret

Angelia~ don't fret ...

Life was never easy for you,
Just a walk through the park. 
Some days seemed so amazing,
Yet so many trapped in the dark.

But you knew how to find yourself precious 
Bright light or pitch black out always handled things cool
When you had a goal you knew you'd have it, no end
But then came turns & jabs unexpectantly-you needed to know the fool.

Who could ever put YOUR babies life at risk without questions or consent?
Whoever could hold such a fragile being, as an object of science, not life?
I know who couldn't  & wouldn't it's You DOC MOM! You my friend are a gift from God, a present.
One who knew everything going on around her, and everybody's strife.

You are one tough cookie who continued life so positively as could be.
Thru all Nickybear went thru, most mothers would have already quit
But you kept pushing and including him, teaching and loving past degree.
He will never forget you girl, not one moment;just can't wait one bit!

Why? Cause you are a real mom. Dealing with reality of love and strife.
You knew the hardship realities of what this evilness could do
But you didn't let it get in the way of Nickybear living a young boy's life.
So much he did down here because OF YOU but sought him thru

You never gave up you never folded, you were a rock thru every step
I admire moms like you who chug away, fix, and push on then
Yet you love him so much you get up go again as if no fret
All you have created, all you have done, I just know you'd do it again.  

Your heart is still very full, full of his love here on earth
I couldn't imagine my child's life outside of giving birth
But you dear Ang take me by surprise 
by how much more you handle
Even between all your needed cries.

He is a precious gift once physically given to you a beautiful Sept morning
Who ever in this world would take that baby home with any type of warning
But so wise were you in seeking help fast,
In order to help all relationships with him last.

Now so many understand why you are mourning still.
He was straight up a gift from God born on a perfect fall date.
If only more could see the impact he made on little me who is ill,
Or believe not all are right some docs making mistakes-not fate.

But keep your chin as high as it goes.
Nickybear will send a butterfly to your nose.
He will talk to you in ways like never before.
The moment you lay it at Christ's feet not behind a door.

His promises are real and totally in tact
Never think once God never has your back
You are one super mom going thru mourning like Job
He will always understand that, give you time in your robe.

One day we will all meet up there where Nickybear has it set up his way
Which may be different than now, but I couldn't see how.
But I know that special all time angel- kisses you every day!
And one day you'll see or hear or feel him, and let out a crying wow!

Please don't forget me Angelia, you mean so much to me.
So much I wish I could tell you, or was able to take away from thee 
I know when He has plans there is always a Divine purpose never crystal clear
And leaves us to take hard times on unknowing cost and somehow give Him our fear

Today I say thank You God for giving Angelia and family such a very precious son
His birthday around the corner, here on earth just isn't as fun
But I know You have miraculous plans with all thru this thick and strife 
Some days just feels like a delusion but we know Nicky is there, alright.

Happy Birthday young man your mama misses you so
She helped me learn so much about you-I didn't want you to go
I wish I could have taken it on my 3rd brain surgery for you
But our God has way more plans Nicky, using you to get us thru!

Your mom is very special to me, please keep her in my prayers
She's truly an Angelic person with a heart you just don't dare
She is true and real and always in love with you
Please Nicky pass it on to Christ, to help get her thru.

One day when we are all out of this earthly circus walking on the wire
One day when we all were blown away about this young mans life
We will all gather up in Heaven talk about it all knowing not one is a liar
And carry on in Heaven above in love, friendship, but no strife.

I love you Angelia....and adore your precious son, gone too soon from Earth..... But still scoring 
points in Heaven, touching lives left and right.

Happy Birthday to you both this September 22nd...... Breathe thru it girl. Breathe his air he'll send!

Love you,